We try for so long to avoid the concept of aging … we not only fear it but sadly in some cases it comes with shame! Now don’t get me wrong … aging is not for the faint of heart, it brings with it its own set of mental and physical challenges. Couple that with a disability and it can be a rough ride! But there is a beauty in it … a sense of calm that comes from “seeing it before and knowing this too will pass”, as well as an opportunity to become comfortable with who you are … knowing you’ve finally become who you were meant to be!
It was on a flight to Mexico City … I was headed there for work to help out the Mexico Finance Team push through some challenges as they started a new business channel. I heard the words pass through the lips of my seat mate and I surprised myself as I realized his words only made me smile instead of the past irritation I would have felt. He was a young American in his early 20’s, on his way to a mission with a group of other enthusiastic teammates. He had been highlighting meaningful sections in his bible and with a huge grin he turned and announced to me “God can heal you, you know?” and he asked if he could pray for me.
This was not my first rodeo and I had come to realize that when people say that to me they don’t necessarily mean they want to silently pray in their place of worship, but it may mean they wanted to pray out loud right there and now! I had this happen on the street near my apartment and in the Gym as I was working out!
I could not bring myself to deprive him of this simple request and he proceeded to place his hand on my affected left arm … the “Claw” as I’ve explained in my “About Me” and said a healing prayer … yes out loud! I could sense the unease of the surrounding passengers who could hear this interaction … but I was unfazed and almost amused at their reactions. When he completed his prayer I felt compelled to now share my revelations about my “predicament”. First of course I thanked him and then I said … “But what if God intended for me to be disabled?” That this was my purpose, I am who I was supposed to be in the body I was meant for? Who am I to question that? Please understand I was not trying to trivialize his faith, in fact I was very impressed by how firm he stood in his beliefs particularly at such a young age. While I do not identify with any particular religion (although I was baptized Anglican), I do consider myself spiritual in nature and I see the beauty in all forms of faith and also respect those who chose atheism. It isn’t the beliefs that people hold but rather the actions and kindness with which people treat others, animals and nature that either draws me to or away from them. But in this situation, I was simply expressing my evolution of thought! I truly believe that when I would get agitated by this in the past it was because I was reminded in the moment that I felt broken somehow, that I needed to be fixed.
As a young girl and admittedly into young adulthood, I did not see my disability as a gift like I do today. I felt broken, too different to have worth and it often resulted in moments of sadness, anger, self doubt and isolation. As I progress through my blogs I will dive deeper into this time because those days, albeit extremely hard, helped to shape the person I am today and truly represent how far I have come! I look back at the younger version of myself now with the kindness and compassion she deserves!
Don’t get me wrong there are still days where I wish I could “run in the wind” or simply tie shoelaces, but the frustration now is fleeting. I have realized that while it may take me longer to do things or I may have to find completely different ways to get to the finish line, when I get there I appreciate it more and I also appreciate the small wins more than those for whom it comes easy! Sometimes just getting my shoe on a very uncooperative left foot is cause for a fist pump of celebration! (Because usually its too early in the morning for a celebratory Shot of Scotch – oh yes this is something else you will learn … I loooove Single Malt Scotch)!
Funny Story though, I have friends … one in particular who seems to dream of a more Able Bodied Me. She has dreamt that with the aid of cannabis … yes weed … I could run to a bus and dance around my cane with ease! One time she dreamt I was rollerblading on her roof humming to myself! Nope, I don’t get it either but I enjoy hearing about my latest feats in her dreams! In fact, I’ve also dreamt of running in a field and I could even feel the wind on my face! The mind is really a beautiful thing … even in slumber!
Ok back to the gift of growing old. The other thing I noticed is that when your prioritizations change … and they will … from chasing money and career milestones to building relationships and leaving a legacy you are proud of, you will truly find your authentic voice, you will embrace failure as much as the wins, and you will start to see the perfection in imperfection. You will become a leader people want to follow, even if you don’t hold a formal leadership role! Both in my Individual Contributor and my Formal Leadership Roles, I became known for speaking my truth and when I felt it was needed, the voice of those still not yet ready to embrace the discomfort that sometimes came from speaking up! I fully accept that my words may have at times caused discomfort and ruffled some feathers but the people who really took the time to know me and my why, found a way to hear me even if they did not agree. Because they heard me, we were able to have incredibly honest and productive conversations!
It was and still is hugely important to me that every day I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I’ve done, and who I am! I am no where near perfect, but as long as I’ve spoken my truth, been kind and when I fail at any of it to accept 100% responsibility for that … then its been a good day! I see every grey hair on my head and every line on my face as well earned, every surgical scar and every bruise from a fall a symbol of victory! I see a once broken girl who grew into a perfectly imperfect 50 something year old woman. A woman who has become who she was meant to be in a body she was meant to be in! My disability has not defined me … but it has made me who I am!
Before I wrap up this first blog, you need to know that you do not have to wait to start practicing self acceptance! In fact, the earlier you start the more benefits you will see in both your personal and professional lives. I recently discovered an article in the Huffington Post which made perfect sense to me on how to practice self acceptance! I urge you if you are interested to go to the following article written by Rose Caiola for more detail on each practice
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/8-ways-to-practice-self-acceptance_b_12640812
- Be kind to yourself
- Confront your fears
- Stay positive
- Accept imperfection
- Don’t take it personally
- Forgive
- Believe in yourself
- Don’t give up
Remember there is no Easy Button and just like training for a marathon, you must exercise your self-acceptance muscles!
I dedicate this story to Young Donna and to the Young Man in the middle seat who I hope still smiles at strangers and follows his faith wholeheartedly and who gave me the foundation for this first story! Thank you!
“The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person” – Andy Rooney
“The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes” – Frank Lloyd Wright
“I’ve become the woman I was meant to be, in the body I was meant to be in” – DM Oberg
Donna Oberg, up until COVID, my wife and I were volunteering at some old folks homes. We also have one aging parent in a home. The one lesson I would impart to those aging is to accept all the changes thrust upon you as joyfully as you can. It leads to people taking better care of you and it sets a great example to those around you especially all the youngsters who are fearful of old age. Nothing worse than an old person angry and resentful about what’s happening to them.
Dwight thank you so much for your insight! I really want to start volunteering at the seniors residents when it’s allowed again because I really believe that they have so much wisdom to share! Hopefully as I move through my blogs on resilience, I can give tips and tricks that people can relate to which will teach them how to, if not joyfully, more optimistically accept change. I also believe sometimes that anger comes from the fear you mentioned, so working on that might be a good topic as well! Thanks again!
I’m so proud of you Donna, that was a very inspiring blog. I look forward to all of them and I hope you’re doing hard copies to file in a book of some kind. What you say is so true. Thank you and keep on writing girl. This is your moment coming from your older sister.
Thanks Sis! I’ve wanted to do this for years, but my focus was on my corporate job and the teams I was responsible for. This is hopefully the legacy I was meant to leave behind!
Donna – I look forward to following your future blogs. I really enjoyed reading this.
Thank you Jackie! I want to ensure I take the time to write helpful if not insightful stories but I promise to keep going and hopefully the next blog will be online before the end of the month!
Hi Donna,
Thanks for sending me your blog. Although far away and in electrons, I can hear you speak and see you making the points with your usual conviction, humor and humility. I know you from your “corporate life” as you call it. I can assure all readers that Donna was able to influence and touch many people in the organisation with her extraordinary ability to make all interactions count at a human level, with a good dose of directness and incredible kindness. I count myself lucky to have been on the receiving end of it and I am looking forward to be further stimulated on my own life experiences through your blog!
Bjorn,
Thank you for your kind words! I had some great teachers at Shell and if I became what you have described it’s because of the amazing people I surrounded myself with! So glad you enjoyed my debut post! Funny thing is I’ve had a few people now say they could hear my voice as they read the words! That makes me happy because when you write on topics or stories you are passionate about and connect with, that is exactly what should happen!
Many thanks!
Great debut Donna! Powerful concepts of self acceptance and finding beauty in imperfection. It was nice to hear your voice throughout the post. The Japanese have this age old aesthetic philosophy called Wabi Sabi (not to be confused with wasabi) which deliberately seeks appreciation for all that is imperfect in making something or someone whole. I find this and self acceptance have a lot in common, and together open the door to self-kindness, which naturally fuels kindness for others. Kind of like securing your own oxygen mask before you can help another. Really enjoyed the read. Celebrate this as the grand opening with a treat of fancy Scotch and keep on writing. Cheers.
Kirill,
I’m really glad that you found it compelling as a member of the younger generation! As you know I have been so proud to be apart of your journey as a leader of the future! Just seeing how you connect to these ideas gives me comfort that the future is safe in your hands!
Incredibly moving Donna – you continue to inspire me and I am so proud to call you a friend.
Raveena!
You’ve been a beacon of encouragement to me and I am also proud you are my friend and grateful for your encouragement to take my future by the reins and do something I’m passionate about!
Thank you!
“…embrace failure as much as the wins, and you will start to see the perfection in imperfection”. That’s just waiting to be made into one of those inspirational quotes. Great stuff Delta, keep it coming 🙂
Golf1
Feel free to steal that with pride! Thanks for reading this story and hopefully you will enjoy a future post that will be all too familiar for you!
Your fellow Traveler!
Delta
Hi, Donna.
I was referred to your blog by a friend, and am thankful she did so. As somewhat of a writer myself, I cannot get enough of the writings of others. When I write, I am usually writing of my own experiences and the lessons I have learned, and never intended for my writings to be teaching others. Originally, they were simply a method of sorting out my own thoughts. Having now received the gift of your thoughts, I will tell you what you have taught me and what I think you need to know.
First, I find it interesting that you describe yourself in “About Me” as a woman with a disability. I find no lack of ability in you, and in fact, significant evidence to the contrary. There are many more that do less with more.
Second, I find it interesting that finding appreciation in imperfection is mentioned, since I see none in you. I suppose there are two kinds of perfectionists – those that do something and never quite seem to get it right…and those that do something and say, “It’s perfect!” I prefer the latter, but I suppose a balance is reasonable.
Third, the “This too shall pass” statement has an interesting history. Too often we focus on the alleged “bad things” passing, and we forget that the “good things ” pass equally quickly. What should follow is a sobering reality that everything passes, and a gentle reminder to appreciate whatever and whoever we have, whenever we have it or them.
Fourth, the comment regarding your kindness is easy to see in your willingness to let the young man pray for you. It is one thing to be called kind. It is quite another to see kindness in action. Thanks for your example.
Fifth, your comment regarding whether God intended you to be this way is fascinating. I cannot attribute this solely to age, as there are many on in years that have not accepted themselves or their circumstances. I will simply agree with you that this is a possibility, and anyone who has read the Book of Job in the Bible would have to agree. And for those that would debate the existence of God, we could say “the universe”, but the result is the same – this is the way things are, or I am, etc….now what am I going to do in spite of it.
Finally, if I were to sum up your gift in a word – beautiful. Thanks for giving us the gift of yourself. We are not robots. We are interactive, thinking, feeling people, and we need each other. Regardless of how big the internet is or how many people are on the planet, there is always room for another thinking, feeling, kindness-showing, lesson learning and thought-sharing, blog-writing individual. Thanks much and keep up the good work!
George!
Thank you so much for taking time to both read the blog and writing such a thoughtful response!
I truly appreciate your insights and I am certain that your stories would be insightful and inspiring!
Please keep writing and I’ll be happy for your thoughts on my upcoming blogs!
Kind regards
Donna
Donna that was a great blog as i read it i remembered when we worked together. I always respected you and did not see your disability. I saw a strong smart woman who knew what her stuff. look forward to your next blog. Stay safe.
Thank you Yanet for your kind words! Please stay safe as well!
Donna
Donna you are an inspiration to us all, great message and I look forward to more of your blog.
Thank you Jeanette!
I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m working on the next one as we speak but taking my time to hone my skills!
Cheers
Donna