Four Defining Moments that Transformed my Life

What is a Defining Moment?

After deciding that my second blog would be about 4 defining moments that transformed my life, I searched the different ways to “Define” defining moments. Dictionary.com says it’s “a point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc., is revealed or identified”.  Merriam-Webster says it is “the time that shows very clearly what something is about”.  But it was an article on Forbes.com written by Sydney Evans that spoke to me most!  “A defining moment is a point in your life when you are urged to make a pivotal decision, or when you experience something that fundamentally changes you.”   For the full article go to https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2017/08/03/how-to-define-your-defining-moments/#1c971ce925d0

Many people will experience defining moments during these unprecedented times of a pandemic, racial injustice and climate change/energy transition.  My hope is that my stories resonate even though they are not directly linked to today’s events. By reflecting on the questions after each story, I believe you will remember your own pivotal moments, the strength you found within and the lessons you’ve learned!

Dad’s phone call and sitting in a Fishbowl

If I close my eyes, I can transport myself back to when I was 17 and heard my Dad talking on the phone, instinctively knowing it was about me.  Maybe I had heard my name, I’m not 100% sure how I knew, but he was clearly in a very serious conversation and I made the decision to listen in.  I slowly crept down the stairs of our 2-story home and slouched down to hide as Dad carried on in the next room.  Funny how I can also remember feeling the sun on my arm as I focussed on Dad’s voice.  But defining moments are like that … they become etched in your brain … a masterpiece of colours, sounds and smells! 

“So, what kind of job opportunities are there for people with disabilities?” Dad asked quietly … and he followed it up with a brief description of my situation.  Of course, I could only hear his side of the conversation, but I could tell the bar had been set low for what opportunities were out there for someone like me.  Dad’s voice betrayed him as he couldn’t hide his frustration, worry and disappointment.

I never asked Dad about that call, but I remember the feeling as I realized it was up to me to find a way to raise that bar, beat the odds and achieve success so that my parents needn’t worry about my future.  This moment of clarity was both frightening and exhilarating!

Fast forward 30 years and I reflected on that phone-call as I sat in a Fishbowl exercise with a group of Shell Executives talking about “Disability Awareness”.  A Fishbowl exercise is a technique used to facilitate group conversations.  It involves a select group of people sitting in a circle and answering questions from an outer circle of people.   However, in this instance, a group of folks with different visible and non-visible disabilities sat scattered amongst the executives as equals in one large circle. We fielded questions about how the company could do better at awareness, accessibility, the benefits of employing people with disabilities and the opportunities provided.  The executives were clearly engaged and actively listening to our experiences, some even sharing personal stories of caring for family members with disabilities.

A rush of pride swept over me as I both watched the interaction and engaged in the conversation.  Sure there is much more to be done to further opportunities and accessibility! We still don’t have all the issues resolved, but what you need to understand, is that to go from knowing the bar was set low, to being a part of the change to raise that bar and advocate for the next generation was a powerful moment! 

My Dad died when I was 19, before I graduated from University and before I landed my job at Shell.  I remember the night of the Fishbowl, smiling because I knew somehow, he was watching and also smiling, hopefully aware that he helped to fuel me to break barriers!  

Question(s):  What is your earliest memory of a defining moment?  Can you transport yourself to that place… can you see how it pushed you toward a new path or maybe changed you?

That Walker and Jungle Jane’s Face

San Diego 2006, I was lying on the ground, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had been backed over by a vehicle.  I didn’t realize until I ended up being rushed to the hospital a day later that I had broken my femur at the knee.  I had gone to visit my friend for a week but instead ended up having surgery in San Diego to repair my left femur at the knee and then flown home by Air Ambulance where my 79-year-old mother Jane had come to help me recover.

Yes, Jungle Jane as I like to call her was a spry 79; today she’s a spry 93!  You might be wondering if it was when I was lying on the ground that was my defining moment? Nope … Was it when I had to decide between having surgery in San Diego or taking the chance to fly home without surgery and risking a blood clot and dying?  Nope …

When I think of that walker and Jungle Jane’s face … I’m once again transported to the true defining moment of this story.  You see the day before; I had been told at my Doctor’s appointment that they weren’t sure if I’d be able to “independently” walk again!  I fell into self-pity and despair, angry at the world.  Mom allowed me that day and space to feel what I needed to feel and then when she felt it was time, she grabbed the walker we had been given, put it in front of my wheelchair and said, “get up”! Frustrated I said, “I can’t!” Again, Mom said, “come on, get up”! Now angry I countered more loudly “I CAN’T!”  Not skipping a beat and with that look only a mother can give … you know the one … the face that says “I brought you into this world … I can’t take you out” she repeated “YES YOU CAN, GET UP!”  I was not winning this battle and with that realization I stood up and took my first four steps since returning home!

What is important to understand is that even in the darkest moments, we must listen for that “whisper of hope”! My mom was that whisper … every day after those first four steps she would put the walker in front of me and made me walk up and down the hallway of my apartment building until I was back to walking with just a cane!  A few months later I crossed the finish line of the Mother’s Day 5k walk-a-thon with a group of my friends! 

There is a lot more to this story … a lot more! Perhaps one day I’ll reflect on it in my memoirs or perhaps it will continue to be a source of material for future blogs. Until then, the lesson of this story is the importance of our relationships, and supporters who give us hope and the drive to keep pushing forward! Just as important, these true supporters are not afraid to hold us accountable for our future.

One of the key aspects of resilience is to know you are not alone and to accept help willingly, because the positive connections you make will help you to avoid seeing problems as insurmountable. They will offer you hope, and maybe even help you get over that finish line!

“When the world says give up, hope whispers one more try!”- Anonymous

Question(s):  Who is your “Hope Whisperer?”  Have you thanked them for being there when you needed them most?  If not, what’s holding you back?

Hitting Reset

In July 2014, I was chosen to go on an expedition with Earthwatch.  Shell partners with Earthwatch to send employees on environmental expeditions.  The Program is called Project Better World and the participants work alongside scientists to collect data related to climate change.  One of my next blogs will be dedicated to this experience and the profound impact of that Journey, but right now I want to share a very important moment.

Our expedition was to Wytham Woods where we collected data on tree diameters, canopies, earth samples and the response to climate change.  The days were full, the evenings included educational classes supplementing our knowledge of climate change and the environment.  We also worked on our commitments to become advocates for sustainability and environmental protection, both professionally and in our personal lives. In the midst of the work, the team grew close, shared joyful moments and a ton of laughter!

It felt amazing to be a part of something so profound! What comes to mind first when I think back to those 9 days, is sitting in the middle of the forest, listening to the chatter and laughter of the Shell Team in the background. As I fixed my gaze on the Sun’s reflection in a drop of rain, I was struck by the power of being still and mindful!   

It had been a long time since my mind was so quiet and I was so present in the moment.  I understood then that this project had changed me as a person!  I would go back home, a Better Leader, a Better Friend, a Better Partner … a Better Person. Because when you are fully present, you make better decisions, you listen better, you are calmer, more purposeful, and indeed you are stronger support!   Today when I catch my brain immersed in the frenetic pace and stresses of life, I take myself back to that drop of rain and the brilliance of the sun’s reflection. I can hear the laughter and I can smell the forest … this is my mental reset button!

Question(s):  What is your reset button(s)?  When was the last time you gave yourself permission to push that reset?

Leaving a 25-year Career for a New Adventure

It would be easy to say leaving Shell was out of my control.  In 2018 there was another of several re-organizations throughout my career and this time I was re-hired into a temporary role charged to help lead the transition, with no promises at the end.

The truth was I had been pondering the right time to leave prior to the reorganization and actually it was completely within my control!  You see I believe in taking 100% responsibility for my decisions and actions, and most importantly for the outcomes.  To be clear, I was not running away from anything but rather running toward something!  Well, since I can’t run … it was more of a hurried shuffle … you get my drift!  My purpose and priorities had changed, and I began to feel it was time to move forward even if I was terrified!

But how do you leave such a long career?  One you fought so hard for, winning and yes losing battles, but in the end breaking barriers very few people thought you could?

I’m not going to lie I was conflicted for months!  On the one hand, I knew I wanted to focus on Coaching, Resilience Training and Consulting in Diversity and Inclusion particularly as it related to Disabilities.  On the other hand, I was comfortable where I was and the reputation I built. Then I began listening to the voices of others that said, “you are too young to retire!”, “you have more to do at Shell!”  I understood their intentions were good and they wanted to help me stay secure.

And then one day, I was talking to a mentor of mine and I explained what I was struggling with and what others were saying. With one sentence he gave me the clarity I needed!  He said “Is that for your benefit? Or theirs?  Do what your gut tells you to do!”  It was like a hundred-pound weight just fell off of me!  I knew right then what I needed to do!  The next day I let my boss know I wasn’t going to apply for any more positions, not to advocate for me any further … I was stepping into my next adventure!  Time to face my fears, refine my gifts and unleash them!  Terrifying and exhilarating!

So far so good!  I’m enjoying this new adventure and I’m grateful to have you ride along with me!

Question(s):  Have you ever done anything that completely scared you?  How did it change you?  And finally, how are you using, if not sharing your gifts/talents?

It would be easy to say leaving Shell was out of my control.  In 2018 there was another of several re-organizations throughout my career and this time I was re-hired into a temporary role charged to help lead the transition, with no promises at the end.

Final Thoughts

While the defining moments I’ve shared are not linked to the current environment, the lessons from them have no doubt armed me with the skills and attitude to persevere! I know that I will survive, I’ll be better for it and of course the oh so comforting knowledge that “this too shall pass”!

Dedications

This Blog is dedicated to Dad, Mom, The Big Ashes and Phil. Special Thanks to Terri H for reviewing this before I pushed the Publish button!